Role of the Community with Regard to Bullying

A very wise woman posted the following on an e-mail list that I am on. I have reproduced it here, with her permission: I have only been a part of one tradition. From that experience, I have found that many in my tradition: Confused required conformity with group mind Did not understand that the oath of silence was an attempt to control the message Misunderstood the role of teacher, spiritual advisor, or priest(s), as being in control Viewed degrees as levels of power and ability Preferred their hierarchy with levels of control Confused tradition with dogma Believe that shunning will help strengthen the bond of those who stay View questioning procedures as a potential loss of control Distort being a teacher into leading other "children" to spirit. See students’ individual relationships with their Gods as a threat to their control. Confused conformity with family Believe that the oath to the tradition/coven is greater than the oath between you and your Gods. Confused being a teacher with being deity. Joined because they wanted the role and title, not the responsibility and gift. There is nothing wrong with you if you do not want to be a part of a path that someone else created. There is nothing wrong with you because you have chosen not to conform to someone else's definition of religion and spirituality. If you end up leaving in anger, sadness, or peace, there is nothing wrong with you because someone else's path is totally inappropriate, and sometimes unhealthy, for you.   . . . the function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not more followers.           ~ Ralph Nader Let's look at a hypothetical situation - a new person (we'll call him Henry) joins a somewhat geographically isolated Pagan community and joins in enthusiastically.  Before long he's attending moots, open rituals, and giving classes on topics that he is very knowledgeable about. Everyone thinks Henry is the greatest, except for Donna, whose thunder he inadvertently stole. Donna was the acknowledged expert (in her mind at least) in the Pagan community - until Henry came along and showed her up. Now he gets all of the attention that rightfully belongs to her! Bitterly resentful, Donna begins to make nasty comments about him every now and then. Much to her surprise, these remarks turn into gossip, and Donna realizes this is her big chance to get the community's attention back where it belongs - on herself. She therefore deliberately spreads rumours calculated to ruin Henry's reputation. People in the community hear the rumours, but they cannot verify anything one way or another without asking Henry directly. No one wants to do that - what if what they've heard is true? More rumours come to their ears, and since Henry has not bothered to deny  or confirm anything (not having heard anything about himself at this stage)  - people assume that he must be guilty. No smoke without fire, right? Henry is still happily participating in the doings of the community, but he gradually notices that fewer and fewer people are hanging out with him, and no one is attending his classes any more. Puzzled, he asks questions of his closer friends, who may or may not tell him what they've heard (depending on how well they've been indoctrinated). If Henry is persistent enough he will find out (from someone) the gist of what has been said about him. At this stage Henry will typically leave the community in disgust or he will try to straighten everything out. If he chooses the latter, it will be an uphill battle because most people are by now convinced of his guilt and deeply committed to punishing him. Even if he produces irrefutable proof that the rumours are false, many people will choose to ignore, overlook or wilfully refuse to accept the implication of his innocence - that they were stupid enough to be duped by Donna. To prove that they're not idiots, they become more determined to drive the bad influence away from their community - and they see the bad influence as being Henry, not Donna. Before long everyone in the community is picking on Henry. The same people who thought he was wonderful three months before now always knew he was bad news, and spend much of their time telling one another the latest stories about him. Henry no longer gets invited to events, people don't respond to his e-mails, he may suddenly be moderated on local e-lists, and fewer and fewer people will speak to him when he shows up at open rituals and other Pagan events. Fed up with the stupidity, Henry leaves the community by either moving away or changing his religious path. Donna is in her glory - at first - but that girl Sandra seems to be getting a lot of attention lately. . . . .   This scenario is not that far-fetched. People in the Pagan community do act like this, and frankly, it's appalling. Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important.         ~ T.S. Elliott

 Internecine Battles Weaken the Pagan Community, While Doing No One Any Good

Most of us in the Western World have what is known as "freedom of religion." Admittedly, it still can be dangerous to admit in some places that you are Pagan, but for the most part, we are relatively free of persecution. This should be something to celebrate, and yet Pagans in communities around the world are turning on each other.

What's going on here? Are we destroying one another because we lack a common enemy?

Are we forgetting the lessons of history?

	In the 1600’s an enemy could have you burned at the stake by accusing you of being a witch, whether you were one or not. There was no "trial" as such –– at least not one that any thinking person of today would think was unbiased or fair. If you were accused, you were as good as dead.
	In the 1950’s in the United States an enemy could end your career simply by accusing you of being a Communist. There was no defence, really. You could be acquitted, but people would always be suspicious of you. If you were accused of being a communist in the United States during the 1950’s, your life was changed forever –– and rarely for the better.

Think things have changed much in the 21st century? Are we more enlightened beings now?

	If you disagree with a fundamentalist Christian bully, they are quite likely to tell everyone that you are influenced by the Devil and thus dangerous to associate with (even if they think you are Christian too).
	If you as a Pagan publicly disagree with a bully in the Pagan community, they are quite likely to tell everyone that you are actively engaged in trying to tear down the community, and are thus dangerous to associate with.

How are these people and situations different?

How are the people who accept what these bullies say at face value different?

Sure, you could argue that most Pagans don’t believe in the devil, but that’s beside the point. You could also tell me that nowadays most bullies in religious communities don’t have their enemies killed, but the fact is that there are many "religious" people in this world today who would happily burn their enemies at the stake, if only it wasn’t illegal - and their followers would support them too. Unfortunately some of these people are in the Pagan communities we live in.

Think I’m overstating things? Consider the following things I have been told by e-mail:

	a high priestess lost her coven in a hostile takeover, during which she was accused of practising "black magic" and ejected
	a Pagan couple was forced to move halfway across the continent after having their reputations in their original Pagan community systematically destroyed, and then being "outted" to the local fundamentalist Christians
	a man in a largish city stood up to a female bully and her followers, only to be ostracized from his Pagan community, lose his job as a waiter (several of the bully’s friends filed bogus complaints about him to the management) and kicked out of his apartment (because of persistent anonymous reports to the landlord that he was dealing drugs, and police visits). He moved to another state to end the harassment, and wants nothing more to do with Pagans
	a woman was unceremoniously thrown out of a Pagan organization she helped to found, because she did not like the way that the other founding organizers were treating people in the community and said so. The people remaining in the organization then put their own spin on things, and many people now believe this woman to be crazy, or dangerous.
	a man accused his High Priestess of pressuring him to have sex with her in exchange for giving him his degree. When he went public with this, she accused him of attempted rape and had him arrested. The charges were quickly dropped for lack of evidence, plus the fact that several other male former coven members came forward to say that she did the same thing with them –– but he and those who supported him are now shunned by their Pagan Communities and the High Priestess is still running her coven.

Bullying occurs when someone tries to gain control by making others feel angry or afraid. It is characterized by verbal abuse such as name-calling, sarcasm, incessant teasing, mocking, putting down, belittling, ignoring, lying and spreading malicious gossip. Unfortunately bullying in the Pagan community also includes such abuse as exclusion from a group, tormenting, ganging up on others, humiliation, or spells designed to make people uncomfortable and keep them away. In extreme cases it can even extend to racially or sexually abusive comments and behaviour.

Because bullying within the community can be very difficult to cope with or prove, its effects can be devastating. People often become Pagan to feel a sense of belonging, sometimes that they have never had anywhere else in their lives, and they get rejected by a supposedly all-encompassing, accepting group of people because of one or two personality-disordered people. Is this right? Is this fair? How do you think this would affect a person? Bullying takes a tremendous toll on health and self-esteem because such behaviour and attacks are as damaging to the mind and body as if they were physical. In other words, bullying is a form of social violence.

The Price of Not Taking a Stand as a Community

As outlined on the Who Bullies Target page, the people most commonly set upon by bullies in the community are those who have the most to offer to the community. The smartest, most creative, articulate, sensitive and well-rounded personalities are the ones being sacrificed for the ego needs of these people.

Many people in the community see what is going on, even if they won't admit it, and they make a conscious choice not to stand out in case they become the next target. When this happens you have a lot of very scared people quietly obeying (or avoiding attracting the attention of) the main bully but wishing they were somewhere else. This social pressure to conform and not show their individuality causes the smarter people to leave, either finding a new community elsewhere or becoming solitary. Do we really want our communities to consist of "yes" people and bullies? This is what is happening all over the world.

Believe it or not, word gets around about this sort of thing and people start avoiding groups, covens and communities where they know it is happening. When new blood does not enter in, spiteful backbiting communities turn inward, ripping themselves apart.

Many mistakenly believe that if the person the bully doesn't like is driven from the community all the unpleasantness will stop, but this is completely false. Bullies only get worse. Each success makes them a little bolder, and before long, they are the ones in charge because they've driven everyone with brains and ambition away.

Paganism at its best is full of life, energy, enthusiasm and creativity. Afflicted by a bully who targets others, a community gets bogged down in basic survival mode - survival from one another. Isn't it time we opened our eyes, stopped accepting other people's word about the enemies within and got to know the targeted people ourselves?

Remember: The price of not taking a stand against bullying by a Pagan Community is always the destruction of that Community. 

Why Individual People in the Community Don't Want to Get Involved

Some Bystanders:

	Identify with the bully and may be part of the bullying, enjoying the process.
	Identify with the target, but feels immobilized by fear and indecision. Will usually not take a stand until they are being bullied themselves.
	Avoid the situation, ignore it, deny it is happening, minimize it or gets angry with the target for mentioning the problem in the first place.
	Admits there is a problem, but may be hesitant to actively intervene because they fear backlash, or making matters worse. Often more capable of critical thinking than others, they can predict people's actions and reactions with accuracy, and know there is little anyone can do to help in such situations.

As mentioned on the homepage, many Pagans have experienced emotional wounding, abuse or religious rejection in the past. Any one of these can make a person unwilling to step forward to defend someone else, even if they hate themselves for keeping silent. It's very typical in the Pagan community for people to tell others who stand up to bullies that they are in the right, and that they support them, but they won't do so publicly.

An example is when someone gets unfairly flamed by another Pagan on an e-list. The flamed person might try to defend themselves, telling the other person off for their remarks, but then others join in to support the flamer. There is total silence from everyone else, but when the abused person goes to a local event people who know who he is come up and say they were glad that he gave the other person his cumupance. Now the question is, why didn't they say so on-line?  This scenario is very common in the Pagan community, and although it's nice for the individual to know that people do take their side (after the fact) it's not really much use to them, is it? This is why there are so many Pagan e-mail lists that have no traffic - everyone is too afraid to open their mouths because they might get flamed next.

In essence, Pagans will support others who are being bullied, but not actively.

Am I the only one who is not okay with this situation?

Other reasons people won't take a stand against bullying might be:

	fear of becoming the next target
	fear of upsetting the status quo, thereby risking the displeasure of other people in the community
	very few people, when put to the test, have moral courage. Targets are sometimes selected because they have spoken up when seeing someone else be abused or bullied
	others in the community hope and pray that if they stay out of the bully's way and pretend nothing is happening, it won't happen to them - but they're wrong - eventually it will
	some Pagans don't recognize bullying for what it is because it conflicts with their ideal of what Paganism is about. They insist on acknowledging only the good side of Paganism, and any facts that interfere with this view they hold will be minimized or dismissed. No PAGAN would do such a thing! How dare you suggest it? For some people it is easier to live in denial than it is to look reality in the face, because they might have to take a stand.
	some people are in awe of, or even envious of the bully’s perceived power, and want to share some of it
	most people have little understanding of bullying or character assassination and just don’t recognize it until it’s directed at them
	people employ the "what can I do about it?" or "it’s none of my business" excuses to abdicate responsibility
	in communities where bullying and character assassination is entrenched, it’s regarded as "normal" behaviour
	some people are turncoats, pure and simple
	people in the Pagan community have their own problems, and by and large, they’re not going to risk losing their reputation for someone else’s sake
	unlike physical assault, character assassination is subtle and comprises hundreds of incidents and comments which when taken out of context and in isolation are trivial - thus outsiders can’t see the whole picture
	targets of bullies can become obsessive about the bullying, and friends start to experience compassion fatigue and turn off
	sometimes a pack mentality takes over, and soon everyone vilifies the target, even if they don’t know them personally
	bullies are nothing if not persuasive, and they excel at convincing their minions that targets deserve the treatment they get
	when there is conflict in the air, most people want to be on the side they think will win - and the target is usually already isolated
	some sick people enjoy seeing others in distress, and so happily participate in the abuse
	many people lack critical thinking skills and analytical abilities and thus cannot see through the facade the bully has set up
	many Pagans have a distaste for public confrontation and so would rather look the other way when someone else is being targeted

Bystanders can make a big difference in dealing with a character assassin because bullies are essentially cowards, and if they sense that someone other than their target is going to expose them, they will often slink away. However, there is also the possibility that they will turn on the bystander who stands up to them too. The best defence is a united front of good moral people (the more the better) who will support each other during the bully’s worst attacks.

Communal Blaming of the Victim

Since this website went online it has been distributed in many places, and I have seen a lot of comments from people about it. One of the most disturbing things I saw was a post on an e-mail list essentially asking "What kind of a person would allow themselves to be bullied anyway?"

This is incredibly stupid, and I'll explain why.

This comment implies two things: a) the person being gossiped about, slandered or bullied is weak and/or stupid to allow people to behave this way towards them or b) they must have done something to deserve this treatment.

Bullies tend to pick on people more competent and well-liked than themselves. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred they are the weak ones, NOT their targets (to view characteristics of Targets click here). If someone decides to bully another within the community, there is not a whole heck of a lot their target can really do about it, especially if the community they happen to be in is infested with people who blame the abuse on those being targeted.  This is a form of Reactionary Bullying, and should not be tolerated.

As for deserving abuse, does a rape victim deserve to be attacked simply because she lives in a bad neighbourhood? Was she probably "asking" for it? Most targets of bullies have not asked for it either, no matter what gossip might say about them.

How a Bully Operates as Part of the Community

There are several different scenarios in which bullying might happen in the Pagan community. You will undoubtedly recognize some of them, even if you have not experienced them personally.

Serial bullying is where the source of all the trouble can be traced to one individual, who picks on one person after another and destroys their reputations. This is the most common type of bullying, and almost everyone knows at least one person in their life who is a serial bully, but most people are not well versed enough in behaviour to recognise this person as a sociopath or a narcissist.

Grandstanding occurs when a bully loves being in the limelight, and so will attack anyone whom they see as a threat to their position on the pedestal. Desperate to be popular and also the centre of attention at all times, these are the people who will take it upon themselves to become the MC at other people's events, put themselves forward when it comes to making announcements, and try to direct crowds. They are often charming, especially to those who let them have the limelight they so crave - but incredibly ruthless when it comes to those who might steal their thunder.

Often people have a great deal of trouble believing that such a charming and dynamic person would spread rumours and lies about people, and because they suck up to community leaders, unless targets band together against him (or her), they are likely to be front and centre of the community for a very long time.

Oddly, some bullies of this type go out of their way to remain friendly with their targets, and can seem genuinely puzzled when someone cuts them out of their life, despite their own behaviour. They often have a strong and rather pathetic need to be liked by everyone (including their targets), and yet they will not hesitate to try and neutralize those they see as a threat to their own position.

The Dragon at the Gate - more common perhaps to the workplace, we do sometimes find these types of bullies in the Pagan community. They operate by restricting access to people and information, most often by making themselves the go-to guy/girl for the community. If someone tries to circumvent their control, they will throw a hissy fit and (typically) accuses that person of being manipulative.

The Disorganizer - this covert type of Pagan bully sabotages people and events. They do this by volunteering for positions like "Communications Officer" and then steadfastly refusing to communicate with anyone; insisting that they don't have time, don't like to talk on the phone, or that e-mail is a bad communication method due to the impersonal nature of it. Extremely passive-aggressive, if criticism is made of their performance, they are apt to throw a fit, but are highly unlikely to give up their position or accept help from anyone who is apt to get the job done.

They affect Pagan communities because they are always there to volunteer - and with organizers so desperate for assistance all the time, they accept their "help" regularly. The problem is they don't often deliver what they promise, or deliver a half-assed version of it which is sometimes worse than no help at all.

While not always a direct threat to individuals, this type of bully can wreak havoc in communities if they get ensconced in planning because eventually people will stop attending events, knowing they could be walking into another disorganized fiasco. If associated with a Disorganizer too long, individuals and entire Pagan communities can get an unfair reputation for incompetence in planning.

The Holier-Than-Thou Toffee-Nosed Twit - this is the sort of Pagan bully who looks down on everyone who doesn't follow the exact same spiritual path as they do, or those who lack their educational background. Dismissive, arrogant and often a know-it-all, they are known to abuse their own followers as well as outsiders. Although many people give them a wide berth in person, this type of bully is often found on the internet, telling everyone else they are wrong in their beliefs.

The only good thing about these types is that they are often shunned by others in the Pagan community for being an arrogant twit. However, they can sometimes influence newcomers to Paganism, stealing their enthusiasm and sometimes driving them away in search of a more tolerant path.

This type of bully is common to all religions, and certainly not unique to Paganism.

Reactionary bullying is mostly unwitting bullying which people start exhibiting when a bully is in the community. The pressure of all the gossip in the air makes people jumpy and accusatory, and behaviour declines.

Pair bullying happens when a bully brings a friend along for support. Often one does the talking while the other watches and listens, and it's usually the quiet one you need to be wary of. They may be opposite genders and sometimes there's an affair going on.

Tag-Team bullying usually takes place face to face, and it often consists of two or more bullies taking turns laying charges or making accusations to their target. Often the accusations are ridiculous in nature, or are projections of the bullies' own inadequacies. The relentless criticism can feel like an inquisition, and it is done to get the target to fall in line with the wishes of the bullies. Usually tag team bullies ambush their target, giving them no chance to gather their own supporters or to mount a defence. Surprised or off-balance targets may agree to the bullies' demands initially, but upon reflection, change their minds. This enables the tag-team to say that the target doesn't honour their agreements, and they use one another as witnesses, knowing their target has no such advantage.

Frequently the members of the team are relatively harmless separately, but when paired with one another, they feed off of one another's negativity and can become a formidable force. Sometimes this alliance falls apart abruptly when the team members turn on one another - but it often happens after they have bullied and alienated a lot of other people in the community, and so have no one to blame for their failures and inadequacies but their former partner.

Entourage Bullying is sometimes employed by the Grandstanders, but any reasonably charismatic bully can gather a gang of fools and use them to torment their targets. Usually about half of the people in the gang are happy for the opportunity to behave badly, and the other half have been pressured into joining in, often through fear of being the next target if they don't. If anything goes wrong, one of these gang members will be the person on whom enraged targets mistakenly vent their anger while the main bully watches from a safe distance. Bullies gain a great deal of gratification from encouraging and watching others engage in conflict, especially those who might otherwise pool negative information about them.

Drone bullying occurs when one or two main bullies convince people in their orbit that a target is evil, sneaky, incompetent or whatever other adjective you'd care to name. People are set to spy on the target, and their activities get reported to the main bully, who then puts their own spin on things, tells the spy their interpretation of what evil the target is likely up to and sends them out to gossip to the community at large. People outside the conflict sometimes decide that if so many people are saying the same thing, then the reports must be true.

The main difference between Drone Bullying and Entourage Bullying is that it is perfectly obvious (to most people) who the main bully is. Typically the runners used by the bullies in this case aren't the brightest bulbs on the tree, and they may even hero-worship the bully - questioning the bully's interpretation of what is going on would be unthinkable to such a person. In the minds of the drones, what they are doing is perfectly just and reasonable, simply because ____ told them how horrible ____ is. It would simply never occur to them that they are engaging in bullying behaviour.

This is a very common method of bullying.

Proxy bullying is where two parties are encouraged to fight one another. One person becomes the bully's weapon and is deceived and manipulated into bullying the target. The bully creates conflict between two people, participating occasionally to stoke the conflict, but rarely taking an active part in the conflict themselves.

Regulation bullying is where a bully forces their target to comply with rules, regulations or procedures (which they themselves may have put in place) regardless of their appropriateness, applicability or necessity. It is often seen in cults, Pagan organizations infested with narcissists or control freaks, and in very rigid coven leaders.

Residual bullying is the bullying that continues after the main bully has left the community. The poison in the environment lingers, and old habits die hard. The bitterness and vicious behaviour can last for years.

Cyber bullying is the sending of aggressive flame e-mails and messaging. Because bullies have few communication skills, the impersonal nature of the cyber-world makes it an ideal tool for causing conflict.

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